My latest column from the Colchester NCT magazine, by the miracle of cut and paste.
No respect: this is what I'm talking about |
As
all parents know, children don’t come with a manual. Despite the number of
‘experts’ who try and convince you otherwise, you are largely on your own when
it comes to working out what works for your own set up. Everyone is different,
and everyone finds their own way.
That
isn’t to say that we don’t all face common issues, such as how to bond with our
children, how to get them to sleep when they should, how to potty train them,
and how to get them to listen to what we tell them at least some of the time.
Behaviour
can be one of the toughest areas to get right in parenting. If you’re too
tough, you can stifle your children and damage your relationship with them. If
you’re too lenient, then you’re not doing them any favours in the long run. I
know that there is a belief among some parents that saying ‘no’ to children is
unnecessarily negative and that you should find more imaginative ways of
diverting their attention.
My
attitude is that there is a whole world of ‘no’ out there, and that the sooner
they learn about it, the better prepared they will be.
Whoops!
I’ve outed myself as tough, inflexible dad already. Except I’m not really. At
least not all of the time. Like most parents I suspect I’m a mix of good cop and
bad cop, sometimes inconsistently so. I love my children, but I want them to be
well behaved, whatever that means.
Feet up: an example of bad behaviour |
Because
when it comes to behaviour, it’s not always clear what is ‘good’. What you
classify as high spiritedness, might be completely unacceptable to another
parent, and vice versa. We also tend to change from one day to the next.
Jumping on the bed is fine when it’s the weekend, but not when you’re looking
forward to that last 15 minutes of kip before sloping off to work.
There
are times when my two are driving me insane that I definitely snap into bad cop
mode and start issuing summary justice – no TV today… or tomorrow, that toy is
confiscated, and go to your room!
Then
when my wife asks what the problem was I’m forced to admit that it was
something fairly trivial – they were shouting or being annoyingly boisterous
when I was trying to read the paper. “They are five and three,” she will
patiently explain, putting me firmly in my place.
As
a parent, you have to ask what it is that you expect of your children and why.
Some basics are fairly universal: don’t hit other children, don’t tell lies, be
polite, and so on. Others are more mixed up with our own attitudes and beliefs.
Twenty or 30 years ago, children were probably expected to be a bit more ‘seen
and not heard’, but do many people subscribe to that now? We may have different
expectations of our children than our parents did of us, and that includes
behaviour.
One
of the challenges for many dads is that they may work during the day, so they
aren’t around when behavioural issues arise. As such, they can feel out of the
loop on decisions that have been made. There is also the danger that dad is
cast in the ‘wait ‘til your father gets home’ role. No dad really wants to get
in after a day at work to find themselves as the moral arbiter when they just
want some family time, however that can be the nature of the parenting team.
Where
there are two parents, instilling good behaviour and tackling behavioural
problems is a question of teamwork. Both of you need to be consistent in your
approach because it can take time to change behaviour, if that is what you are
trying to do. Small children forget things. They’ve got a lot going on in their
lives, so constant and gentle reminding is important, if a little wearing for
parents.
As
can the continual refrain of “Why?” Although the temptation to yell, “Because I
say so,” can be overbearing at times, you should always explain why you want children
to do something. Children can have a strong sense of what’s fair and unfair, so
you need to make sure that they know why they are being asked to do something, or
told off.
You
also need to be sure why you are doing it. Is a child’s behaviour an issue
because it is dangerous, selfish or discourteous, or is it just annoying or
embarrassing you at this particular moment. What’s to be gained from making it
a big issue? Sometimes you have to pick your battles.
Similarly, parents can’t be hypocrites as this is soon picked up by their offspring. There is no point telling your children that something is wrong if you do it yourself. From reading at the table to shouting and bawling around the house. If it’s a house rule, it should apply to all. Dads should be role models.
Similarly, parents can’t be hypocrites as this is soon picked up by their offspring. There is no point telling your children that something is wrong if you do it yourself. From reading at the table to shouting and bawling around the house. If it’s a house rule, it should apply to all. Dads should be role models.
When
behaviour is becoming unacceptable, don’t suddenly snap. Let the children know
that what they are doing is not acceptable and that if they continue to do it then
something – spell out what – is going to happen. Be proportionate with your
punishments. There are only so many times you can cancel Christmas, especially
if you start in February.
If
you do bring in a penalty, then be prepared to use it. There’s no point
backtracking as it will only leave issues to be dealt with later.
Of
course behaviour is as much about the carrot as the stick, probably more so. Praising
good behaviour and letting your children know that you have noticed them doing
a good or thoughtful thing is the most powerful tool in your box. And it’s a
lot more fun than having to be ‘bad dad’.
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