The long way down

It's disconcerting how quickly things change.

Just under a year ago I thought my health was pretty good for a man my age. A clichéd late forties rediscovery of cycling had blossomed into a love affair with all things two-wheeled in recent years  

I'd bought a decent bike and found some similarly interested guys who have turned into ride buddies. Nothing too serious - compared with some - but great fun and great for health.

Without really trying I've found my fitness levels as high as they've possibly ever been, felt unwanted pounds slip off my frame, and noticed my wellbeing improve. All while doing something I really love - getting out on my bike, pedalling the lovely lanes of Essex and Suffolk, and finding lovely parts of the surrounding area to boot.

Just under a year ago I woke in the night with a racing heart and felt something flash across my chest. My dad died of heart problems at 44 so in some ways I'd been expecting this for years.

I ended up in A&E that night where I was checked out but given the all clear and sent home. I hadn't had a heart attack, which was what I'd feared but something clearly wasn't right.

The months since have been a slow movement through the NHS system - something that is increasingly picking up pace. 

Back in May I was told that I had severe coronary artery disease and I'm now on a journey towards some sort of treatment. What that will be depends on the result of a test that is coming up in a few weeks. In the meantime I'm taking a lot of pills to manage the situation.

I'm not sure whether it's the pills, the condition, or what's in my head but it's astonishing how downhill I've gone in a few months.

The only exercise I feel confident doing is a sedate walk, and some days I don't feel that I can go very far. 

My chest feels tight, I feel anxious a lot, and generally feel crap most of the time. 

I don't sleep well and I'm constantly worried about my heart. 

I don't feel confident doing anything that raises my heart rate - and I mean anything!

I feel like I'm taking a backseat on family life as there is so much I don't feel able to do, or just don't see any point in. Joy has been sucked out of large areas of my life.

If I'd have known the change that would come over me back in December when I left A&E, I would have been completely crushed. As it is, this overall state of affairs has crept up on me somewhat, which may be a blessing in some ways.

The next couple of weeks could reveal a lot and could be the start of things getting better. That's what I should try to think but it's hard.

There's a side of me that doesn't want to get too hopeful. There may be no quick fix and what if what's being proposed doesn't work, or doesn't work as I'd hoped? 

For a glass half empty person like me, this isn't a great position to be in. (Strictly speaking, the glass is usually completely empty at the minute as I've forsworn most drinking. That'll show them!).

It's the cycling that's been one of toughest things though. As I wrote on here in one of my infrequent rambles, when you find something you love late in life you almost start to mourn it because it has an inbuilt shelf life. That shelf life is now closer than I thought.