I've just found this in the drafts file from a few months back. I wasn't going to post it but rereading it changed my mind, mainly because I don't feel like that now. I was experiencing some health issues which have alleviated.
It's a reminder of how low poor health can make you feel. Again, I feel a lot better now.
"I'm going through a bit of a trough at the minute. Health as is often the case is probably the root cause. On top of my underlying condition, I seem to have picked up a back ailment which I can't seem to shake. (Probably not a great idea to try and shake a dodgy back anyway. Ho ho.)
It's leaving me feeling pretty worthless just now. It already seems that I can't do much and I'm now bringing even less to the party. About the one thing that I'm any use for in this family - driving - is now really uncomfortable for any length of journey. I don't actually like driving any more - I'm constantly imagining carking it at the wheel which doesn't make for very restful travel.
I recently had a financial review and the only thing I could think of was how long it was until I could retire. Not that I have any grand plans. My big hobby is now gone. Travel has no allure for me - I don't like going anywhere further than a couple of miles from my house. Everything seems to be gradually losing its flavour.
Catastrophically I was thinking that nothing brings me pleasure, but that's not true. I still enjoy reading, music, noodling on the guitar... But other things, less so. Travel I've mentioned. Food and drink is a bit of a minefield or a mindfield, because there's so much I feel guilty about having. I'm less sociable, partly because I don't feel as if anyone would want to have me inflicted on them. (Jeez, this is starting to feel like a letter to Frasier Crane.)
Hopefully this is a passing phase. Self pity is not an attractive quality in anyone. I'm luckier than many, it needs to be said, even if I don't always feel it. The kids are a constant delight and my wife is amazing although god knows why she puts up with me when I'm like this.
I'm probably not going to post this but leave it in the drafts file. It's all a bit pointless (this piece, not existence!) but I needed to get some of it off my chest. I'm not really accentuating the positive today 10.4.25."
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