My latest column for Colchester NCT magazine, for anybody who missed the print edition.
This
autumn my eldest son started school and like many parents I’m catching my
breath thinking, “Wow. How did that happen?”
It
really doesn’t seem that long since we were looking at the Clearblue stick
trying to work out whether it really was a positive. Can it really be almost
five years since he first came into our lives?
From
the moment of his birth, the milestones have fairly whizzed past. First smile,
first word, walking, talking, solids, teeth, nursery, terrible twos, potty
training… it never ends. And then the next one came along. Whenever I find myself
wishing a certain phase was over and that we could move on to the next ‘easier’
bit, I try to remind myself that I wanted children – warts and all. Not that they
have warts yet.
Children
are a work in progress, which for uptight perfectionists like me, can be
torture. It’s very difficult to sit back and have a moment of
self-congratulation at a job well done as there’s another calling on your time.
But of course, that’s the joy of parenthood. The important thing is to enjoy
the journey rather than to fixate on some end point when everything will be ‘just
right’.
It’s
being around for these little accomplishments that makes all the hard bits of
parenting worthwhile, but it’s where a lot of dads miss out due to their jobs.
Work-life
balance is a naff phrase, but it’s an important concept, especially for
parents. However, for many dads it is something to aspire to rather than
actually achieve. Whatever the steps taken to try and create a more
Scandinavian model of shared parenting in this country, the reality is that the
majority of dads maintain a fairly traditional work life.
They
work during the week, seeing less of their children than their partners who are
closer to home, either looking after the children full-time, or combining work
with childcare.
In
a commuter town like Colchester it’s even tougher for many dads. Travel takes a
big chunk out of the day. You might make it home in time for bedtime and
stories, but given the vagaries of the railways, you may not.
I’m
not saying that working dads are bad dads – far from it. Being a breadwinner is
a vitally important role. But I sometimes wonder if we should periodically take
stock of what’s most important.
When
I was a child, my dad worked shifts in a factory. That meant that often I would
hardly see him during the week as he’d either be at work or asleep during the
day after working nights. Even at quite a young age I knew that he was doing
something important and that although he didn’t like working such unsocial
hours, he was doing it for us.
It
didn’t really make it much easier though. I just wanted him to spend more time
with us.
But
the time that he did spend with us was all the more precious because of it, and
he really went out of his way to make sure that he used it in the most fun way.
I have great memories of holidays, day trips and times with family and friends.
Now that he is no longer here, those memories are all the more important to me.
I
work from home, something that I feel very fortunate to do. Because of this I
have been able to see up close the development of both of my sons. I won’t deny
that there have been times when I would rather have been at the other end of a
railway line, but generally it has been a rather wonderful thing.
When
J was just over a year old, my wife went back to work. We put him in
nursery three days a week and I was to look after him for the other two.
In
the lead up to this handover I was remarkably relaxed about what was imminent,
probably because I didn’t really know how hard it was going to be. Of course I had
changed nappies, I had fed J as he moved on to solid food, I played with
him, but all of these activities took part with the support blanket of my wife
nearby. It really was a bit of a steep learning curve when it was just him and
me.
Every
little task seemed to take twice or three times as long as it should have.
Simply leaving the house was a logistical challenge as there was so much stuff
you needed to have with you. I’d leave, get fifty yards down the road and have
to go back for the nappies. Then for the spare clothes, then for something
else.
I
was stunned by how tough everything was – I was shattered at the end of the day
with this one year old. All the time I’d been watching from the sidelines, my
wife seemed to manage it effortlessly. When it came to my turn, I sort of
managed to do everything that has to be done, but in the manner of the 20-stone
guy who finishes a marathon in eight hours, sweating profusely and with
bleeding nipples. Mission accomplished, but he’s hardly going to worry Paula
Radcliffe.
What
this taught me was a respect for the partner who does stay at home with the
kids. Anybody who doesn’t count this as real work had obviously not spent a
full day with a demanding toddler.
But
it’s great too, and something more dads should try out. It’s not possible for
everyone, but parents do have the option of asking their employers for more
family friendly working terms. It can be easy to kid yourself that you won’t
get them, or that you need the money more than time with your child. But at the
end of the day, you only get to be a dad once. What do you value most?
